


My Voice is Anything but Painless

by barefootxo



Series: The Random Parody Lyrics Collection [5]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 11:11:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5246126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barefootxo/pseuds/barefootxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Song Parodies saluting the M*A*S*H universe...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Here at the M*A*S*H

I don't own M*A*S*H, any of the characters, or the song 'Monster Mash', upon which this parody is based... They are owned respectively by Larry Gelbart and Bobby Pickett, I think...  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
I was working in O.R. late one night   
While the bombs burst in air, it was quite a sight  
The puns were flying rampant, through the air  
And then I realised, to my despair  
  
This was a M*A*S*H  
This camp was a M*A*S*H  
This was a M*A*S*H  
This patient has a rash  
This was a M*A*S*H   
They’re serving army hash   
This was a M*A*S*H   
This camp was a M*A*S*H   
  
From the swamp you could sniff the smell of dirty socks  
And taste terrible gin while Hawkeye sleepwalks  
His bunkmates are a snob by the name of Charles  
And don’t wake up ol’ B.J. lest you provoke snarls…  
  
They’re in a M*A*S*H  
They’re in a camp called M*A*S*H  
They’re in a M*A*S*H  
Where people patch the gashed  
They’re in a M*A*S*H   
Where they serve army hash   
They’re in a M*A*S*H   
They’re in a camp called M*A*S*H   
  
The 4077th is the place to be  
If you’re a wounded man in the army  
They provide the ‘Best Care, Anywhere’  
Watch and you’ll see!!  
  
The C.O.’s office jumpin’, with ol’ Potter’s yell  
As the clerk by name of Klinger tries to scam and sell  
The supply truck’s in the compound with supplies from H.Q.  
It’s the middle of winter, so will ice cream churns do?  
  
There at the M*A*S*H   
The camp was called a M*A*S*H   
There at the M*A*S*H   
Where they will cure your rash   
There at the M*A*S*H   
Where they serve spam and hash  
There at the M*A*S*H   
The camp was called a M*A*S*H   
  
Out of the Swamp, a voice did shout  
And cursed two delinquents as unfeeling louts  
He told them to shut up, to desist and cease  
To leave him alone to his music in peace  
  
He played in the M*A*S*H   
In a camp called M*A*S*H   
Yes in a M*A*S*H   
The movie’s in the trash   
Yes in a M*A*S*H   
  
Yes they’re all strapped for cash   
Here at the M*A*S*H   
Here at the camp called M*A*S*H   
  
The Head Nurse is on the scene, Hot Lips Houlihan  
And we all know she thinks that Hawkeye is quite the man  
But neither will admit that the attraction exists  
But watch them in surgery, while you assist  
  
Here at the M*A*S*H   
Yes come and join the M*A*S*H   
Here at the M*A*S*H  
Just never eat the hash  
Here at the M*A*S*H  
You'll be prepped in a flash   
Here at the M*A*S*H   
Come and join the M*A*S*H!!!   
  
~~  
  
  
Hope you liked  
  
  
  
Jasper


	2. Poor Unfortunate Souls

I don't own M*A*S*H, any of the characters, or the song 'Poor Unfortunate Souls', upon which this parody is based... They are owned respectively by Larry Gelbart and The Jonas Brothers, I think...  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
CHARLES  
  
It seems to be that Pierce is being sent stateside…  
  
  
B.J.  
  
What will we do without him?  
  
  
CHARLES  
  
My dear, Hunnicutt. It’s not what we will do. It’s the people of Maine.   
I would aid unsuspecting women and others.  
Poor souls who don’t see as I do.  
  
I admit that I can be rather nasty  
Yes I’m pompous, blue-blooded, a snob  
But compare me to Pierce  
And my anger is fierce  
Because that cretin cannot e’er shut his gob  
And I know culture and classical music  
And I’ve hands that make a scalpel sing  
And in fact, let’s be fair  
It is time you’re aware  
Compared to him, I know everything!  
  
Poor unfortunate souls  
In Maine, unwary  
This one blonde and slinky  
This one brunette sans compare  
And will he bed them?  
So fast, it’s scary.  
Those poor unfortunate souls  
Unaware, it’s true  
That they face the rapier wit  
Of a child, not a man  
Who is simply  
Without a clue…  
  
Now it's happened once or twice  
In this camp full of lice  
That I understood that idiot cretin’s goals  
Yes he’s got some great talents  
But that is scarcely a balance  
For those poor unfortunate souls  
  
Can’t you see?  
  
B.J.

I’ll still miss Hawk, and he will always be my best friend.  
  
CHARLES  
  
I’m sure Pierce thought the same of Trapper and then met you the very same day.  
I wouldn’t find worry, were I you.  
You will find a new pal, right away…  
  
B.J.

But I don't have-  
  
  
CHARLES  
  
Pierce’s luck? Oh please… The man is curse incarnate  
With a wit so full of holes that it might as well be swiss cheese.  
  
B.J.

But without my friend, how can I-  
  
CHARLES  
  
You'll have your joke, your cheesy grin.  
And don't underestimate the importance of your working conditions, ha!  
  
The men here become a band of brothers  
Bound together in a solid core!  
I know without a doubt, that almost any old lout  
Will be the new friend you are waiting for!  
Come on, have a little more consideration  
On the people who will be suffering that man  
He’ll begin the exploitation  
Of every woman in the nation  
The very moment his plane strikes land!  
  
Pity those poor unfortunate souls  
To the east!  
Of this hell!  
We are very busy surgeons, but at least we’re far away  
From the State of Maine  
Where he dwells!  
Those poor unfortunate souls  
Without, a clue  
They just cannot even guess  
What is coming on the plane  
A cretin to the last  
Who is quite a bit insane  
The ladies best watch out  
Or he will become their bane  
Those poor unfortunate souls!!!   
  
~~  
  
  
And a bit more for ya...  
  
  
  
Jasper


	3. I am in Love with You

I don't own M*A*S*H, any of the characters, or the song 'Cats in the Cradle', upon which this parody is based... They are owned respectively by Larry Gelbart and Cat Stevens, I think...  
  
  
  
For all you Hawkeye/Hotlips 'shippers out there! I know you exist!  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
I just arrived just the other day  
From around the world in army plane  
I didn’t really know yet what I should say  
This place it seemed just a touch insane  
And then I saw your face and then I knew  
That I was in love with you, Mag  
That I was in love with you…  
  
And the blood is a gushin’ out in surgery  
While the company clerk has got ESP  
When I’m comin' home dad?  
I don't know when, I’m waiting for the war to end, dad  
I just hope that I survive till then…  
  
Well that blonde I like has my stomach in turns  
She’s taken up with a guy named Burns  
I just hope to live while she learns  
That she doesn’t need a fink like Burns  
And as I waited for her to get over his hurt  
I knew I was in love with her, Dad  
I knew I was in love with her…  
  
And I’ve just tied up another artery  
While the transvestite is an orderly  
When I’m comin' home dad?  
I don't know when, I’m waiting for the war to end, dad  
I just hope that I survive till then…  
  
Well she broke up with Burns, just the other day  
But there wasn’t really much that I could say  
You see she went and found herself engaged  
And all I could do was say “That’s okay…”  
Thinking I’m still in love with you, Mag  
You know I’m still in love with you  
  
And we lost our C.O., my ol’ pal, Henry  
But Potter’s got style and respect from me  
When I’m comin' home dad?  
I don't know when, I’m waiting for the war to end, dad  
I just hope that I survive till then…  
  
Well she got divorced, just the other day  
When she heard how her hubby was a-spendin’ his days  
Seems he had booze to drink, bimbos to pay  
But I sensed she’s in a lot of pain  
So I kept my mouth shut, and didn’t say  
That I really felt that way, Dad  
That I really felt that way…  
  
And as she boarded a truck it occurred to me  
That she was about to leave  
That my love was about to leave  
  
And I kissed her right then, quite passionately  
Said Maggie don’t go and leave from me  
When I’m comin' home dad?  
I’m on my way, and I’m bringing Margaret to stay, dad  
I’m bringing Margaret to stay …  
  
~~  
  
  
Wow, that was sappy... :p  
  
  
  
Jasper


	4. Trapper

I don't own M*A*S*H, any of the characters, or the song 'Daniel', upon which this parody is based... They are owned respectively by Larry Gelbart and Elton John, I think...  
  
For all you Trapper fans out there!  
  
~~  
  
Trapper’s a surgeon of the finest kind  
Always there when his pal needs, or he is in a bind  
Oh and he’s being unfaithful to his own wife  
Yes it looks like Trapper, is trying to wreck his life…  
  
He tosses his olives in two martinis  
The only comparison is to drinking an antifreeze  
Oh and the time is come to get blasted today  
Now just me and Trapper, are gonna drink the war away…  
  
Trapper my bunky you are gone now from here  
Do you still hear the screams, or see wounds that won’t heal  
Do you still cry, or see patients that died  
Trapper you left me here without even a goodbye…  
  
Trapper’s gone stateside and Henry is dead  
But at least Frank’s not boss, we got Colonel Potter instead  
Oh and B.J. has come to the Swamp to say hi  
But I still wish Trapper, would have come and said goodbye…  
Yes I still wish Trapper, would have come and said goodbye…  
  
~~  
  
Jasper


	5. I Can Hear the Choppers (Radar's Song)

I don't own M*A*S*H, any of the characters, or the song 'Suicide is Painless', upon which this parody is based... They are owned respectively by Larry Gelbart and Mike Altman, I think...  
  
  
  
I'm still alive. Lots of work to do has kept me busy.  
  
  
  
This song is a salute to Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly. It is a rather melancholy work, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
The grass was green and wet with dew,  
The sunlight shot with a golden hue,  
My cows awakened with a heartfelt moo,  
When the letter came for 'we happy few'...  
  
They sent me far across the sea,  
To a land scarred by artillery,  
And to a MASH they soon sent me,  
To be the clerk of the company...  
  
Oh I can hear the choppers,  
They really are heart-stoppers,  
And we have got some wounded incoming...  
  
The red tape binds me foot and hand,  
The supplies delivered, wrong again,  
And patching calls looks like hand-to-hand.  
Upon my shoulders this mess did land...  
  
My new CO took me aside.  
He taught me what my job implied.  
I was so relieved I darn near cried,  
And as time went on I took it in stride...  
  
Oh I can hear the choppers,  
They really are heart-stoppers,  
And we have got some wounded incoming...  
  
I'm called to assist in surgery,  
Carrying litters quick as can be,  
As surgeons sew and patients bleed,  
We fight for life so desperately...  
  
The gowns, once white, are painted red,  
A grim salute to the noble dead,  
The stains cry out with words unsaid,  
"For those we love this blood was shed..."  
  
Oh I can hear the choppers,  
They really are heart-stoppers,  
And we have got some wounded incoming...  
  
I draw strength at night from my teddy bear,  
My only solace from the rockets' blare.  
The others laugh and mock and stare,  
But more and more I just don't care...  
  
Another day a patient dies,  
I drown my sorrows in Grape Nehis.  
There's one thought trapped within my mind.  
"If he can fall then so can I..."  
  
Oh I can hear the choppers,  
They really are heart-stoppers,  
And we have got some wounded incoming...  
  
I heard on the phone my uncle's dead.  
"I'm gonna miss you, Uncle Ed."  
I left my bear on Hawkeye's bed,  
My last goodbye that was left unsaid...  
  
After I left Korea's shore,  
I don't hear choppers anymore.  
I flew back to my fields of corn,  
It's time to move on, to cry and mourn...  
  
Oh I can hear the choppers,  
They really are heart-stoppers,  
But they only e'er return in my dreams...  
And I still wake the whole house with my screams...  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
I hope you liked it.  
  
  
  
Jasper


	6. M*A*S*H Maker

I don't own MASH or Match Maker. They belong to Larry Gelbart and Sheldon Harnick respectively.

 

~~

 

 

Well, somebody has to create the MASHes,

He might build something wonderful…

Something effective…

And well run…

And efficient…

 

MASH Maker, MASH Maker,

Build us a MASH,

Put up the tents,

Quick as a flash.

MASH Maker, Choppers are

Landing quite soon,

So build us a perfect MASH.

 

MASH Maker, MASH Maker,

Build the O.R.,

Wounded incoming,

From near and far.

Fill it with Doctors and Nurses of skill,

This war is looking to kill.

 

At C.O.,

Fill him with wisdom.

Efficiency,

At Company Clerk.

In surgery,

I’d give a kingdom

For a staff that can handle the work.

 

MASH Maker, MASH Maker,

Build us a MASH,

Stock the supplies,

Quick as a flash,

Day after day in a brutal warzone

As gashes and cuts,

Are sewn.

 

Since when do we have supplies for a MASH, Sir?

I thought we needed them for Hill 403.

And we need that Doctor for Tokyo General.

 

What about the MASH?

We need them to treat the wounded.

The men at the front deserve the best.

 

This a war and we have priorities.

So whatever we give you, you'll take, right?

Say, Yes Sir!

 

Let’s see, let us see,

You’ll need a C.O. of course!

He’s tough and he’s smart!

And yes he has a horse.

But he's a nice man, a good leader, yes?

Yes!

 

The Chief Surgeon’s a lech,

And the Head Nurse a snitch,

But at least they both know how…

To cut and stitch.

 

That man, in the dress.

Is your Company Clerk!

Your 2IC’s a snob,

And such a jerk.

But they’re the best the draft could catch, right?

Right!

 

The chaplain is soft-spoken.

And surprisingly quite deft,

He can give you last rites,

And a few lefts.

 

Did you think that they’d be perfect?

Well we do the best we can.

With shortages still rampant,

Just be glad we’ve got the men!

 

MASH Maker, MASH Maker,

Please realize

The stakes here are high.

Hostilities rise.

 

The Peace Talks are still,

A magnificent dud!

And I’m near elbow-deep in blood.

 

Oh please Sir,

Get us more sutures

Remember,

You also can die.

If you don’t,

Get the supplies we need,

We’ll have nothing to patch up your hide!

 

MASH Maker, MASH Maker,

Wounded are here

We’re in quite a rush

What have you planned?

Chaos abounds and

Divided we stand.

So,

Give me your dregs

Draft dodgers galore

Reluctant draftees

And when they’re combined…

They’ll still be the finest kind!

 

~~

 

Jasper


End file.
